Every couple argues, but your communication style when you argue can significantly impact the health and happiness of your relationship, In marriage & couples counseling, communication styles are an important concept as effective communication is often the foundation of healthy connection.

There is one powerful framework that is helpful in understanding these relationship patterns developed by Dr. John Gottman. Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” framework identifies the most common communication styles and how they impact couples. He names these couples communication styles: criticism, contempt, defensiveness & stonewalling. Keep reading to understand these 4 communication styles and how yours and your partner’s may be holding your relationship back.

Understanding your communication style- and how it interacts with your partner’s- is the first step towards healthier and more fulfilling interactions.

So, what are these infamous horsemen, and how do they impact your communication?

1. Criticism: This goes beyond offering constructive feedback. It’s an attack on your partner’s character or personality. For example, instead of saying, “I felt hurt when you didn’t call,” it’s “You never think about my feelings. You’re so inconsiderate.” Criticism can create a climate of negativity and resentment.
2. Contempt: This is the most toxic of the four, involving disrespect, mockery, sarcasm, and even eye-rolling. Contempt conveys a sense of superiority and disdain. It’s like saying, “I’m better than you.” Contempt erodes respect and makes it nearly impossible to resolve conflict.
3. Defensiveness: This is a natural reaction to feeling attacked, but it often escalates conflict. It involves denying responsibility, making excuses, or counter-attacking. Instead of listening, you’re focused on protecting yourself. Defensiveness prevents understanding and problem-solving.
4. Stonewalling: This occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down emotionally and physically. They might avoid eye contact, become unresponsive, or simply leave the room. STonewalling is often a response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded. It creates a sense of disconnection and abandonment.

Identifying Your Communication Style

Think about your recent interactions with your partner. Which of these patterns are present?

• Do you tend to express your concerns in a way that feels critical to your partner?
• Do you sometimes find yourself feeling or expressing contempt or disdain?
• Do you often react defensively when your partner raises issues?
• Do you tend to withdraw or shut down when things get difficult?

It’s important to be honest with yourself. We all have moments where we fall into these patterns. However, recognizing them is crucial for positive change.

Why Understanding Your Communication Style Matters

These communication patterns aren’t just theoretical. They have real-world consequences:

• Increased Conflict: These styles fuel negative interactions. leading to more frequent and intense disagreements.
• Emotional Distance: They erode trust and intimacy, creating a sense of disconnection and loneliness.
• Relationship Dissatisfaction: Over time, these patterns can lead to resentment, unhappiness, and a feeling of being misunderstood.
• Relationship Breakdown: If these patterns are not addressed, they can significantly damage the relationship and increase the risk of separation or divorce.

How Couples Counseling Can Help

At Integrative Therapy & Coaching, our marriage and couples counselors understand that changing communication patterns takes work and support. Our experienced marriage and family therapists provide a safe and supportive environment in which you and your partner can:

• Identify Your Patterns: We help you recognize your communication style and how it interacts with your partner’s, including the presence of the Four Horsemen.
• Develop Healthier Communication Skills: We teach you effective strategies for expressing your needs clearly and respectfully, listening emphatically, and resolving conflict constructively.
• Build Emotional Connection: We help you and your partner rebuild trust, intimacy, and emotional safety, fostering a deeper sense of connection.
• Learn to Repair and Reconnect: We guide you in learning how to effectively repair after conflict and reconnect with your partner in meaningful ways.

Transform Your Communication, Transform Your Relationship

If you’re ready to improve your communication and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship, we encourage you to learn more about the Four Horsemen and Dr. John Gottmen’s work. In couples counseling at Integrative Therapy & Coaching in Greenwich, we can provide the guidance and support you and your partner need to create a more loving, connected, and satisfying future. Don’t let unhealthy communication patterns continue to negatively impact your relationship. We are here to help you communicate more effectively and build the relationship you desire.