It’s a common scenario: one partner feels the weight of the relationship’s “stuckness” and is ready to reach out for couples counseling, while the other is hesitant, skeptical, or even flat-out resistant. If you are the partner who is “ready,” this can feel incredibly frustrating and increase distance between you and your partner.

However, the way you bridge the gap between “I want to go” and “We are going” can make all the difference in how the therapy experience begins. Read on for how to navigate this sensitive conversation with empathy and a focus on connection.

1. Shift the Focus from “Fixing” to “Connecting”

When a partner hears “we need couples therapy,” they often interpret it as “you are doing something wrong and I need a professional to help me prove it.” This immediately triggers defensiveness.

Instead of focusing on what is broken, focus on what you miss about the relationship.

• Avoid: “We need marriage therapy because you never listen to me.”
• Try: “I miss feeling like we’re on the same team. I want us to have a space where we can learn how to get back to that feeling.”

2. The “Referee” Myth

A major reason for reluctance is the fear that a couples therapist will “gang up” on one person. It can be helpful to provide information and understanding on “what to expect” from the process. In effective couples counseling, the relationship as a whole is the “client” and not one individual partner. The therapist isn’t there to say who is right or wrong rather they are there to provide insights and guidance on the patterns  that you both get caught in and help you step out of it.

3. Propose a “Trial Run”

The idea of committing to months of therapy can feel daunting for both partners. Try to lower the stakes by suggesting a trial run of four sessions or a 1 month commitment. Having an “exit ramp” often makes it much easier for a skeptical partner to say yes to the first step. At the end of those four sessions, agree to check in with each other and your couples therapist about the progress you have made and if continuing couples counseling makes sense. To prepare for this check-in, consider the questions below: Do we feel slightly more connected?

• Are we able to take what was discussed in session and apply it to our lives?
• Do we feel more connected?
• Is the atmosphere at home even 5% better? 

4. Invite Them Into the Therapist Selection Process

Feeling a part of the process is the most effective way to get “buy-in” from your partner. Instead of saying, “I booked an appointment for us next Tuesday,” try saying, “I’ve found three options for couples counseling in Greenwich who look like a great fit. Would you look at their bios with me and see who you’d feel most comfortable talking to?” When your partner has a hand in choosing the clinician, they are already more invested in the process.

A Sample Script to Get You Started

If you’re nervous about how to bring it up, you can use this as a guide:

“I’ve been thinking a lot about us lately. I love our life together, but I’ve noticed we’ve been struggling with [X] and I don’t think I have the right tools to fix it on my own. I don’t want us to keep hurting each other. Would you be willing to do a few sessions of couples counseling with me? I want to make sure I’m showing up for you in the way you deserve, too.”

Take the First Step To Find a Couples Therapist Together

Starting marriage therapy or couples counseling is a brave move for any couple. If you aren’t ready to commit to a full hour our therapists at Integrative Therapy & Coaching in Greenwich, CT offer free, no-pressure consultations. These 15-minute introductory calls allow you and your partner to get a “vibe check” to make sure the therapist is someone you both feel comfortable opening up to.

If you are ready to learn more about couples counseling at Integrative Therapy & Coaching, schedule your free consultation.